a long time in the making

My boat stuck something deep. Nothing happened. Sound, silence, waves. Nothing happened, or perhaps everything happened, and I'm in the middle of my new life.
-Juan Ramon Jimeniz

I did brainwave mediation today. Afterwards I did my new daily chakra exercise. When I placed both hands over my third eye, my eye lids fluttered + I saw a rapid flash of images. They where fast and looked like the a strip of 8mm film. I could not make out what I saw but I left with a feeling of having seen something. I am left with the feeling of having learned something. I am aware, open + ready to receive. I am peaceful + alert. I have the soft, luminous edge that mediation can bring. I am aware of things around me that exist on the level beyond our limited five senses.

This experience reminds me of an experience that I had a child. An experience, or to be more accurate a series of experiences, that have stayed with me for years + that I have often thought about. I was about 9 or 10 + I was playing by myself in the playground behind my house. At the time I lived in a blue Victorian house. The house dated back to the mid 1800's + I could see the roof + one of the attic windows from the playground. I was swinging on the swings + suddenly was overcome with the consuming realization that I was in a movie. I was being watched + I was in a movie + I wasn't alone. I saw a rapid series of images  in my head. I saw things + went somewhere else but yet I never left the playground. I sat on the swing for a while- fascinated + kind of terrified too. I sat there + I knew I wasn't alone. That day I realized that I wasn't alone + that I was being followed around by someone with a camera filming me.

I realize now that this was my first awareness of a guardian spirit. I realize now this is how I see things.  How I know things. I realize that I am awakening again. I realize that this is just part of a much larger whole. Part of a much more authentic life that I am meant to be living.

That time in my life was terrifying for me because I was having experiences that I couldn't articulate. Experiences that I couldn't make sense of. I was in part the house I was living in but it was also me. The house was haunted- of this I am now sure. I used to wake up at night knowing I wasn't alone. I used to see things floating outside my window, at the foot of my bed. I would hear things in the attic.  I wasn't alone + I knew it. My mother used to wake up in the middle of the night hearing people talking, laughing, whispering in the night- this I learned many years later.

I have had other experiences not just in that house but in many other places over the years. I have spent years being terrified but in the last year or so something has happened. The fear has fallen away. I am beginning to let my guard down, I am allowing myself to acknowledge + admit the experiences are real. They are not figments of my imagination. They are not fearful fantasy. They are real + they have happened. They will continue to happen. They are meant to happen. It is my job to be open + receptive.