a long time in the making- part 2

In your brain, behind your eyes is that spot where the conscious meets the subconscious, where true sight is seen, where eternity begins + time can stand still.

2 things have happened in the last 2 days that I need to shift through. But first somethings to clarify- I gave been feeling clear, direct, positive, articulate + just truly good. I have crossed that metaphorical line, scaled the immense mountain + jumped off the bridge. I have began now to learn how to forget to fear fear.

But before more clarification things 1 + 2...

Thing 1
I crossed the street on my way home. In the middle of the street was a dirty, soggy aquamarine bra. It had been in the street that morning on my way to work as well + gave me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Again it did the same when I walked past it. A hard, hollow almost painful feeling hit me in my gut. I saw without seeing a van then inside the van. I felt the bra was tossed out. I was acutely, sharply, suddenly aware that a woman had been raped. I physically felt altered for a few moments. My lower body ached. Something primal, horrific + violating resonated within me. There was an intense wash of emotions wash over me- fear, panic, pain, anger + an out of body experience. I saw but yet didn't see a young Hispanic female. I felt the lingering, oppressive, heavy extremely male energy lingering around, in + on top of her.

I have had this sort of extremely unpleasant imagery overcome me in the past. However, this time I checked it + did not stick with me. I experienced it + let it go. I was like watching a movie or seeing a play, being extremely emotionally affected by it but being able to leave the theatre + leave it behind.

Thing 2
I was in a very long, slow moving line at the drugstore purchasing some staples during the midst of a Valentine's buying frenzy. I was watching the busy New York City street foot traffic while I waited. Time seemed to be frozen on the slow moving line in the store but was briskly moving outside on the street.

A man in a long black coat, black boots + long stringy hair walked by outside. He hesitated, pausing just past the door + we made eye contact. I looked right into his dark black eyes + saw a void there. It was dark, dank + a wave of rotten energy washed over me. He turned away + continued to walk down the street. A minute later he returned + walked into the store. He entered the store + I could see their was translucent simmer to his rough, tough pockmarked skin. Again we made eye contact + he turned away. Instead of walking out the door he walked through the door + disappeared out of sight. The door was a glass automatic opening door. It did not open when when he walked through it. He did not appear on the other side to walk past the store. The entire front of the drugstore was glass + I would have been able to see either way he walked.

I was left with a lingering feeling of confusion, uncertainty, hesitation, heaviness + a strong metallic taste in my mouth. This feeling lifted when I exited the drugstore.

A little Perspective Here
On the other side of the line the old me would have had to check myself hard. Chalked it up to deranged imagination. The new me realizes sometimes these things happen. It's not mystical or magical. It is energy at work here. Vibrations, impressions, a flash of something I have picked up on.

The question is what to do with this information? Is it merely enough to know it? I am on a journey to learn how to channel, harness + learn do something more for the universe.

a long time in the making

My boat stuck something deep. Nothing happened. Sound, silence, waves. Nothing happened, or perhaps everything happened, and I'm in the middle of my new life.
-Juan Ramon Jimeniz

I did brainwave mediation today. Afterwards I did my new daily chakra exercise. When I placed both hands over my third eye, my eye lids fluttered + I saw a rapid flash of images. They where fast and looked like the a strip of 8mm film. I could not make out what I saw but I left with a feeling of having seen something. I am left with the feeling of having learned something. I am aware, open + ready to receive. I am peaceful + alert. I have the soft, luminous edge that mediation can bring. I am aware of things around me that exist on the level beyond our limited five senses.

This experience reminds me of an experience that I had a child. An experience, or to be more accurate a series of experiences, that have stayed with me for years + that I have often thought about. I was about 9 or 10 + I was playing by myself in the playground behind my house. At the time I lived in a blue Victorian house. The house dated back to the mid 1800's + I could see the roof + one of the attic windows from the playground. I was swinging on the swings + suddenly was overcome with the consuming realization that I was in a movie. I was being watched + I was in a movie + I wasn't alone. I saw a rapid series of images  in my head. I saw things + went somewhere else but yet I never left the playground. I sat on the swing for a while- fascinated + kind of terrified too. I sat there + I knew I wasn't alone. That day I realized that I wasn't alone + that I was being followed around by someone with a camera filming me.

I realize now that this was my first awareness of a guardian spirit. I realize now this is how I see things.  How I know things. I realize that I am awakening again. I realize that this is just part of a much larger whole. Part of a much more authentic life that I am meant to be living.

That time in my life was terrifying for me because I was having experiences that I couldn't articulate. Experiences that I couldn't make sense of. I was in part the house I was living in but it was also me. The house was haunted- of this I am now sure. I used to wake up at night knowing I wasn't alone. I used to see things floating outside my window, at the foot of my bed. I would hear things in the attic.  I wasn't alone + I knew it. My mother used to wake up in the middle of the night hearing people talking, laughing, whispering in the night- this I learned many years later.

I have had other experiences not just in that house but in many other places over the years. I have spent years being terrified but in the last year or so something has happened. The fear has fallen away. I am beginning to let my guard down, I am allowing myself to acknowledge + admit the experiences are real. They are not figments of my imagination. They are not fearful fantasy. They are real + they have happened. They will continue to happen. They are meant to happen. It is my job to be open + receptive.